Within this blog post, you will be able to read through a short essay I put together for a trained medical professional to be able to work out any applicable diagnosis. This was written in January 2016 after enduring a horrific period of depression over the Christmas season.
It turned out that some of the things mentioned in my report were strong indicators that I may have Asperger Syndrome. Its certainly interesting reading it back three years later and realising that a number of thoughts I had are still hugely relevant in the present day.
This is word for word exactly what I wrote in the moment of wanting the truth about myself and why I acted in a certain way. Maybe you can relate to some if not all of the stuff I decided to write down prior to my diagnosis.
If you want to speak with a Psychiatrist about issues you have been through and believe they may apply to a certain disorder like Asperger Syndrome, then check out the Official Mind Website, and use their Find a Psychiatrist Tool.
I constantly feel like everyone is conspiring against me, even my friends and family. It feels like they are all in on something that I don’t know about. I keep feeling like they only do things to get at me and the primary reason they do it is to make me jealous and bring me down. There are times when I hate everyone and become incredibly suspicious and cynical. Life feels like a conspiracy in which everything is designed to make me fail.
I feel like I’m in direct competition with everyone and life is a big game. I constantly feel like I’m being watched and never feel comfortable in my own skin. It feels like there is a presence watching over me and scrutinising my actions and my thoughts.
I feel like I have to impress this presence often by doing things that are out of my comfort zone. It constantly feels like everyone is talking and plotting against me behind my back. I feel like I am an outcast in this world and that I’m different and special. It feels like I am not really human. I always feel like I stand out and that I am the person everyone secretly wished wasn’t there and that I am seen as a waste of space.
Whenever I meet new people I always have this feeling that they already know I’m special and different. I hate the construct of life and generally hate everyone. It feels like my parents have created this mind field for me and secretly know something about me and know all these problems I have incurred were always going to happen and that they planned it all along.
I hate being around people. I don’t understand the construct of conversations and why we have them. I don’t have any emotions or feelings towards people and can’t tell if they have any feelings for me. I don’t understand most forms of humour or behaviour that people find funny. I struggle with sarcasm and misinterpret sentences that have hidden messages.
I cannot hold up a natural conversation with anyone and have to plan everything I say well in advance. Nothing I do or say is spontaneous and done without thought. It feels like everyone is acting and portraying a character in order to fit in with society. I don’t feel like I have a personality or a character that I can associate with, instead I mirror other people to try and fit in.
There are phrases and tones of voice and types of laughter that vary depending on the people I am with. If I am with someone I don’t understand, then I have a very low and monotone voice which has very little expression. If I’m with someone I like then it’s slightly more paced and has more flexibility. I often worry about social situations weeks in advance. I even worry about the greet I have to make when I arrive at work.
When I am in certain social situations where there is a large group of people then I become mute. Even when I’m at family gatherings with people I’ve known for a long time, I cannot physically speak and want to leave. It feels like I don’t understand anyone and I don’t understand what my purpose of existing is. I feel no connection or attachment to people you are supposed to care about.
There are times when I have been mute at home and physically can’t speak to my own parents. After I have been exposed to people and social situations I have to be alone in my room and zone out by listening to music or imagining a film in my head. I always like my room to be dark, even during the day because it makes me feel safe. I am exhausted and frustrated after social interactions.
At secondary school my mutism was extremely bad. I had entire days where I would barely say anything to anyone. I felt locked in my own body and trapped in a prison with no escape. I was heavily bullied for this which traumatised me dramatically to the point where I had to drop out of school all together in year 10.
I always fantasise about things. I take real life scenarios and then play them out in my mind over exaggerated. I always portray myself as a confident person who everyone loves. It feels like I live for these films I make in my head and that real life is just giving me material for my films.
My life is played out in my head to the point where sometimes it feels more real than the life which is supposed to be reality. There are times when I simultaneously undertake things in real life and then play out an alternate scenario in my head.
I get a big buzz from avoiding people. Whenever people send me messages on my phone I always ignore them because I feel empowered that someone wants to contact me. I like being a social recluse and depriving people of my presence. I try to avoid social situations as much as possible. I always get my mum to conduct phone calls for me because I have an intense fear of talking to anyone on the phone.
I only go out at certain times when I know there will be less people around. I only go out shopping very early in the morning or during a period where most people will be at work. I never go to places where there is a high chance I will meet someone I know. For example there is no way I would do my shopping at the supermarket I work at because I would be fearful of potential social situations that might arise.
There are times when I look though the window to check there is no one in the street before I take my dog for a walk because I want to avoid social interaction. I am incredibly shy around people with authority or people who are very strong socially and have a strong social rapport with a lot of people.
I cannot project my voice, even in situations of distress. It is incredibly rare that I would do anything in public such as go for a coffee or go to the cinema if I wasn’t accompanied my someone. I generally hate speaking in front of people and get incredibly stressed and anxious. It feels like my voice is not worthy of being heard.
I have frequent mood swings. When I have a strong bout of depression I cannot function at all. I will lay in my bed and I feel paralysed. I cannot speak or move my body and I feel incredibly numb. I have a sharp pain in my head and feel intense guilt and regret.
My appetite suffers significantly to the point where I don’t eat anything at all during the day. Sometimes I wake up shaking and trembling and would rather be dead. It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and that the pain will always cripple me for as long as I live.
I cannot think straight at all and sometimes feel physically sick if people try to talk to me. When I am on a high I can often do over the top things. I have often gambled a lot of money because I become overly optimistic and delusional. I have also booked events and holidays without serious thought just because I’m on a high and want to keep the buzz going.
I am obsessed with time and dates. I will spend hours just looking at sport stats from previous years to the point where I know the final league standings from years ago. I am fascinated with the date in which things happened. It intrigues me when people went to school and the year they got married or when they moved into their house.
I always try to work out dates with people even if the information I know about them is incredibly limited. Time scares me. My day is often divided into time slots which I have to follow. I will designate hourly periods to conduct certain activities such as watching TV or walking the dog.
I am always trying to find ways of passing time effectively because I always want to get to the next part of my life. I never live for the present, I always look back at what I’ve done and plan for what I am going to do in the future. I don’t like being in open spaces and always feel vulnerable. It feels like the world is watching and scrutinising me.
I think the reason I haven’t tried to get help before is I constantly try to convince myself that everyone else is strange and that I am actually the one conducting myself normally. I find it hard to accept that maybe I have got problems. I always have delusional visions that eventually I will conquer all these problems but they have scuppered my life too many times now.
I have had to leave school early, I have dropped out of college and university first time round and have now had to postpone my current studies. My life is constantly stopping and starting.
Feel free to share your stories or any notes that may have given you an indication of Asperger Syndrome. You are more than welcome to comment below or Contact Me.