I’m starting to really hate the fact I have Asperger Syndrome. The condition has made the whole ordeal of life so unbearably difficult on occasions and I don’t know how many times I can claw my way out of incredibly depressive states. It’s not made easy by the fact my family are still fairly novice in understanding the way I think and act, which has made living at home almost untenable at times.
I just do not understand people within a social capacity and have extreme difficulty in trying to work out what exactly they are trying to imply. Most of the time my brain is so absent minded and unclear that the idea of trying to decipher any issues is almost too unbearable to even comprehend.
My situation is not very good at the moment when all things considered. I am still without a job since leaving my previous employer in January and am currently experiencing some rife behaviour within my household. There are times when I just want to scream my head off and run away as far as possible. Luckily the rational part of my brain is still intact so I’m trying to persevere a much as I possibly can.
What I’ve noticed in the 25-years of being in existence here on earth is the fact no-one ever seems happy or content with what they have. There seems to be this on-going perception that we always need to strive for the next thing in order to truly elevate our levels of happiness. In reality, if you take a look around and be thankful for the positive elements of your life, you might find yourself thinking with more clarity and tranquillity when you start to fall into the trap of regretting you haven’t done certain things so far.
I honestly wake up every day at the moment and ask myself: What is it all about? Like why is the world structured in a way where everyone acts like they are a cog within a large system and any thoughts about leaving would be considered scandalous. Why can’t people just mellow themselves out and start to appreciate the more innocent and quirky elements that make up the world?
All the time I am constantly gliding though life and then suddenly hit a huge wall that knocks me so far down that getting up seems like an impossibility. No matter how many times these walls are prepared to strike, I am always going to do my best to get up and try again. Seems simple, but doing this over and over again starts to become laborious and makes you question why bother at all?
Do the benefits of life really make the sacrifice of putting yourself through strenuous activities that stress you out actually justify them self? Why do people wake up in the morning and continue to participate in their daily routine of work, recreation and socialising? Is it just to fit in? Or have we been ingrained with thoughts about the way we are supposed to live our life? Maybe our existence is not as flexible as we first thought.
Everyone also seems so proud of themselves and will never admit they are wrong. I always feel like I’m made to feel like I am the inferior being even when I possess much stronger work and academic credentials. It truly is a world where the self-centred, egotistic maniacs who are prepared to stamp on people’s backs truly rise to the very top. Nice people who emphasise diplomacy are usually the ones left behind with no clear trajectory about where their life is actually heading.
How are you feeling at the moment? Do you feel lost and puzzled like myself? Feel free to get in contact with me and share your stories.